free to dissolve in streaming in summer

all i do is lie by seaside

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:51:00 GMT

my babyistting month is officially over, so i'm once again online but unemployed. i promised to sit with her on sundays, though, and also baby's mother can maybe hire me as a manager for her firm - which would be awesome, cross your fingers for me, because there's nothing i suck at more than job searching. still, it seems like things are working out, so all is well. how are you all?

meanwhile "The album has 11 songs on it, and it's very short. Barely a half-hour long. That's good though, it's less for us to remember," Ross laughed. "It's all really focused, more so than the last Panic! album, but there's a lot of different stuff on there. Some of it is kind of beachy, some is darker and slower. But we had a vision of what we wanted it to be like, so, in one way or another, it all kind of complements itself."

the more i hear about this record the more excited i get, and bit about heart of mine track made me say 'awwww' out loud. hurry, hurry, sell it to somebody and give it to us, and i'm so happy it seems to be relaxing, no pressure album for them.

meanwhile i'm the absolutely worst fan, because it seems that splean actually released new album and i completely missed it. i'm listening to it now and it's amazing and weird and so very them; they seem to make one hit album on one miss one (i think vasiliev admitted in some interview that they do it on purpose to drive away casual fans), and this one is definitely in a hit category. have a single:

\

got my hands on unseen academicals, and as usual, pterry doesn't disappoint. i love all discworld books, because for something presumably cannibalizing fantasy genre for lulz it's one of most logical, compelling and keeping a solid continuity worlds around; and i love ank-morpork books the most, be it wizards or watch, because it's sort of ultimate wish-fulfillment for me, something insane and broken and ill-fitting that still manages to work. vetinary is a tyrant who makes actual freedom, watch protects, wizards keep the universe intact, guilds play by rules, con artist makes post and bank tick, and 'ordinary people' aren't ordinary at all, and happy end is always earned. best comfort; i wish it worked like this in real life.

sleepy sleepy

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 05:29:26 GMT

witnessed my friend's wedding on saturday - prettiest bride ever, and nicely in love with her fiancee, and music and wows and all around nice time. as a bonus met my other friend there, the one with whom we were born in same town and live in the same city and yet meet only accidentaly - in random subway car, in kazan for zilantcon, now at the wedding. traded at least decade old tolkien jokes ("oh what a lousy joker this legolas is", gandalf grumbled, climbing on top of zirak zigil. "i'm standing on a narrow bridge and he shouts 'a balrog is come!'". oh nostalgie), discussed difficulties of feanor's sons lives and danced a lot. dancing part was awesome in a sense that it didn't bother me - i'm a very awkward dancer since me and my body never were friendly or even overly familiar with each other, but this time i didn't even have to do the usual reminder of just relax and have fun, damn you, just had fun. i'm always a little startled by the fact that my high school and related anxieties ended quite some time ago, and thanks god for that.

in any case, october and weddings and flimsy dresses don't go well together, so i spent the rest of weekend sniffling, mainlining cold medicines and ginger tea, sleeping and cuddling with mom, which was definitely not the worst way to spend it. mom's on the way home, i celebrated monday by slipping down the stairs on subway and doing something highly unpleasant, though hopefully not serious, to my leg, and all in one, i'm pretty done with autumn already. give me this spring! oh wait.

(sneaking some late to party fannishness in just for a record: 1) oh poor lost shiny orphans 2) oh god please post pictures like this always, gabe 3) anybody who doesn't appreciate your sartorial choices is a terrorist, bb 4) i'm pretty sure there's something like this in my closet somewhere 5) bandom_hc brought marksykins' through all kinds of weather, post-split hurt/comfort love story done just right and 6) rpf_big_bang shared turps33's grey crimson skies, heavy and sad and hopeful follow-up to tints of rainbow hue universe (don't forget to check the warnings if mental health issues are triggery for you). phew!)

but rather that i'm more when you're here

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:00:41 GMT

spent the day walking the city with mom, just returned from seeing her off, and now all tired and sleepy and happy. also cut my hairs which helped as well - i love it so much, this feeling of lightness, leaving something behind.

catching up on stuff - handwritten meme, picked up from signsonaves. i think it's the longest thing i wrote in about last year or so? which is pretty funny, hello, internet, you ate this part of my life as well.

in fannish news, bandom_hc gave me not one but two epic, amazing, lovely stories for reading and re-reading: fictionalaspect's more adventurous, warm and riveting and and real in a way that escapes most of characterisation cliches high school fic, and arsenicjade's for market value, bb!ot3 slavefic story of my heart. and there's definitely more awesomeness to come, and, just, this challenge is really the best thing in this fandom ever.

also ryan ross is still the prettiest model to ever wear a cranky hat with a propeller on top, and really, his mere existence never fails to make me feel a little bit happier.

по телевизору объявили: нам отключили свет

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 20:57:37 GMT

life is boring and full of babysitting, but i'm still here. considering making myself an outfit out of a blanket and a pillow, because i want to sleep forever and it's so cold all the time oh god. i switched from jacket to coat and i already want to switch from coat to winter coat and seriously, i love moscow for many and varied things, but weather is not one of them. but in better news, mom will be in moscow for the whole monday on her way to some conference, and i got a day off work, which means that i won't have to give my kidney to daghestan airlines (fuck you and your shitty, falling apart, overpriced planes with a rusty fork, ugh) to hug her.

speaking of my parents and happy things, their silver wedding was two days ago, and it just makes me so very happy. family is a weird and complicated things, but the one thing that's always here is watching them to be unwaveringly and completely in love, twenty five years and still so new and so old and so perfectly fitting. happy anniversary and i love you and i miss you so much ♥

in other news, i decided that my general bandom experience can be completely summed by this conversation (context irrelevant):

me: so stealthy, me and you are <3
signsonaves: we are like ninjas.
OF LOVE
me: AND PIRATES
AND POETRY
signsonaves: AND RYAN
me: AHAHAHAHA Y
me: WE'RE RYAN'S SECRET NINJA SQUAD
signsonaves: lolololol
me: this is why we're so... stealthy
me: you know
signsonaves: lol of course, and why we are so competent!

how are you doing, bbs?

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:29:41 GMT

thank you all for your words; i kept checking my phone yesterday between baby duties, and it helped, a lot. grandma had esophageal cancer, and she fought it for at least three month more than any doctor gave her. mom says that last two days were such agony that seeing her being finally let go was a mercy. she was mostly unconscious or out of it for the end, but when she came to she would say i want to go home, please let's go home; i guess she went, finally.

she and granddad raised me and elik along with my parents; she was kind, and fair, and strict, and mischievous, and utterly incapable of lying for whatever reason, and knew how feeding somebody could mean loving them, too, and was always here, always, for everything. i'm going to miss her so much, i already miss her so much, just this knowledge of her being there, but i'm glad that she's not in pain and scared and confused anymore. and granddad will be so happy today, when they'll lay her to rest next to him; he waited for her for five years and two months and eight days, and today they'll be sitting on the clouds, or whatever it is where people who never did evil go, and hug each other, and drink tea, and watch over us, together and forever.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:29:27 GMT

grandma died.

another check in

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 05:06:23 GMT

i'm babysitting a very adorable cranky little girl this month, which is very timely money-wise, but this also means that everybody comes online either when i leave for ten ours or when i sleep for another six - curse you, timezones! long story short, i still love you all, i just do it from the past. or future, i'm always murky on the subject.

in other news, seven days until bandom_hc! i'm going to have no sleep whatsoever, gather all these fics and roll in them forever.

всех люблю, все понимаю, отправляюсь гулять

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 10:25:50 GMT

about last post: hey, you're so awesome and i love you all. you made this summer and beyond it so much more bearable than it could be, and you keep making my days brighter ♥

went to visit a friend, had a sudden sleepover where long after midnight we went out to gather some apples for a pie (moscow is drowning in apples this season), but had to detour and rescue a pretty red chair from the junkyard first. and then apples ("PLEASE DON'T FALL OFF THIS TREE, FRIEND. I'LL HAVE TO DRAG YOU HOME TO YOUR CHILDREN BY YOUR LEG") because we're stubborn, and then pie that was more like an apple caramel, and twice our combined bodyweight in coffee (for some unfathomable reason i always have a coffee hangover. i find it extremely unfair), and three hours of sleep in total. i think we should do it more often.

domestic scenes: waffle the roommate's cat suddenly came to sit in my lap and cuddle (which she never ever does, she's a very reserved kitty). in three seconds martha appeared, sat across her and glared. poor waffle slinked away.

also sometimes i have really sudden insights about my wardrobe. like, why won't you fit me well, jacket? and than the realization of maybe because i bought it when i was sixteen which was quite a long time ago. smooth, self!

long day after, got a beautiful ceramic cup for a gift, saw awesome fire poi ladies (these ones if i'm not mistaken), and then finally rowan tower's concert, second proper after return. it's the only band i follow live, for four years already, from concert to concert and club to club and city to city, and there's something so amazing in watching things unfold, lineups and style and music and words change, and be a part of it, somehow. i don't even know if i can call it my favorite band; it's just the one that fit, one and forever. and new concert on sunday.

song of the day: their august, one of the most gorgeous songs, even if yesterday turned out that i wasn't quite ready to hear it first thing, due to theme. but still, still.

august, the blessed month, earthly fruits are blooming - grapes and eggplants,
august, green maples vividly shine on flat heavenly enamel.
summer bleeds the last heat out, breaks out in storms, hides into fogs,
stifling nights, chilly days, ill bird on wrinkled blanket.

first time ever

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 22:44:30 GMT

ANON LOVE MEME

:D? :D?

check in

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 11:21:32 GMT

our router either died or fell violently sick, and maybe roommate will work some magic over it today and maybe it won't work, and we'll either need new one or go oflline for some time, i don't know, but ow am i cranky without net. if i promised to chat or write and disappeared, or missed something, sorry, i promise to catch up later.

went to job interview yesterday, which went cautiously well but probably not promising (we'll have to see three more people before we decide, will call you by october, if you'll have another vacancy don't hesitate to take it), but the fact itself is good because it's the first interview i went to in absolutely forever and wow am i neurotic and terrified of everything job search related (not to mention the profession i was actually trained for, ughh).

eta roommate's magic worked, phew, back to the land of connected we are.

fly away high away still the moonlight

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:23:50 GMT

in a height of social activity for this ~~month~~ week went on field trip to tsaritsino with dervish_candela - we called it a morning trip even though we didn't meet until six in the evening, and then managed to catch wrong bus and go in completely different direction, but then miraculously stumbled into right one and still made it to the right place. autumn is almost here, but it's still warm and quiet, and it've pretty much been most fun i've had all week (hey thanks python person ♥)

photographic proof by dervish_candela, not exactly in chronological order:

there're in fact two dove-houses there, one after another. it's like dove-matrix.

we have no idea what those things are for, and sadly, fence has no holes in it. something about them is so appealing to me.

and finally the point of the whole outing, the bridge! still my favorite place in moscow; we stayed to have a mini-picnic there.

in fact, since i'm spamming you already i stole dervish_candela's summer photos of it too:

happy things!

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 20:24:32 GMT

- happy birthday, ryan ross!

- like the tide by arsenicjade and untappedbeauty - if i sat down and wrote a list of things i want to see the most in bandom fic in general and ryan/spencer fic in particular, and somebody wrote it for me, it still won't be as perfect as this story is. it's epic in the best way, hurty and sweet and real, and, well, as arsenicjade put it, Ideal of Ryan and Spencer's relationship. if you didn't read it yet you should, and if you did, re-reading tastes even better.

- also airgiodslv's falling into place, divorce fic that somehow made it all click in the right way in my head. where nothing is too sweet or easy, and everybody is awkward and sometimes stupid but never evil or hurtful on purpose, and they four get each other even when they don't, and there's hope in the end.

- i'm caught up on leverage and oh, how good it is. not the whirlwing of breathtaking, season-a-day awesomeness that farscape or criminal minds were for me, but it's so comfortable, so unabashedly silly but rarely stupid or inconsistent, and bad guys are so unquestionably bad, and good guys are so bizarre and loyal and twistedly honorable, and evil will unevitably get punished by the end of the episode - with a flourish. i still care about hardison/parker/eliot shenanigans way more than about nate/sophie, or nate/moral ambiguity or sophie/identity crisis, but those make for good season arcs. plus people who're making it seem to know what they're doing, and this blog is my new source of joy. i'm pretty sure everybody's seen already this post where he gets fanfiction about 95% right, but i personally was sold on I'm shocked you haven't realized that while I say the show is based on 60's and 70's heist shows, it's plainly a Farscape rip-ioff. Hardison's laptop is even named Winona ♥

- dusya the family cat waited until i leave the house and immediately had kittens because she's evil like this. photos by dad and mom who know how to push the button and also how to resize them into nothingness, but kittens! itty bitty kittens and proud mom:

- random song of the day: tri martolod by mervent.

you're a kitty! \o/

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 20:17:16 GMT

to celebrate the happy, have some kitty spam! this is martha, most perfect cat ever ♥
(photos courtesy of my roommate who knows composition and lighting and stuff. i know how to push the button)

<

\o/\o/\o/

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 13:09:50 GMT

HEY GUESS WHAT? NO OLD SYMPTOMS, NO NEW SYMPTOMS, NO DEMYELINATION DYNAMICS ON MRT: NO MOTHERFUCKING MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS! HOLY SHIT YES THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

oh god the whole year of being scared absolutely shitless - finished! no checkups anymore unless there're new symptoms (and there shouldn't be), and he can go home and be relatively healthy and happily obstinate teenager. oh thank god. TIME FOR ALCOHOL.

миp, поливаемый дождем, не утонет

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 18:22:36 GMT

marked the return - by old friend and by my heart's music, by subway and little cafe and going home alone. saw you around every corner, dearest mine - for some reason it really only now registered that we're not in the same city anymore, not in the same country. pleasantly tired, pleasantly empty; gave my solemn promise not to smoke anymore for time being, and, well, cold turkey withdrawal: don't do it.

can't sleep enough yet. have a lullaby for the rain, best of all.

breathe

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 10:04:06 GMT

i'm baaaaaaaaack, and let me never do it again. we shared the train compartment with three little girls in varying states of unhappiness with world around them and their harried moms; that wouldn't be so bad, but the train also turned out to be olkd and lacking a/c, so it was charmingly hot inside, drafty everywhere and full of dust and, bb!brother swears, mold in pillows. as a result at the end of the first day i was sniffling and doing my best darth vader dying rattle expression, and by the end of second breathing and sleeping at the same time got seriously problematic. but whatever! nothing will beat this time with bronchitis near the new year eve, and insomnia on train is better than insomnia anywhere else: at least when you're stuck here the world keeps moving under you.

home home! martha can't decide whether to cuddle me or be disdainful, while waffle, my roommate's cat, perfected being disdainful by the age of five days, so nothing's changed here; i'm trying to decide whether to rearrange the room or sleep or stop pretending that i'm an adult and listen to all my music and cry over the premature death of my tb hard drive and check out all things on internet that i've missed in gasp! two days. guess what will win?

missed you all. how are you?

to enjoy them and benefit ourselves

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 05:38:44 GMT

ordinaryink comes bearing incredibly gorgeous fanart (you should've seen the flaily motion i made yesterday on seeing it) - don't forget to check it out:

I have this silly little world planted in my head, where people carry their pet fish around in balloons and lamps let the moon shine through during the day, and the sun shine through during the night. Of course, Ryan Ross would have a fish called Oscar or something else in a literary nature. He would banter with the birds, walk around with mismatched socks, and flowers and bubbles would grow along his path.

And he has a teddy bear, named Theodore. *hands*

on this pleasant note i'm going off to catch our train - see you all in two days ♥

а мы пойдем с тобою погуляем по трамвайным рельсам

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 12:22:59 GMT

so, yesterday was a weird day. there was this shooting in buinaksk several days ago (i checked several forums, masochistically, and yeah, the majority opinion seem to be 'oh, how nice of them to kill those dirty, dirty whores, they asked for it' - there're no adequate words to express how much i hate this culture wrt women). and yesterday there was a shootout between cops and separatists on main square, and another one on the northern exit of the city. several people killed, nobody caught, business as usual; people don't even notice it all that much anymore. then in the evening somebody started very heavy rumors via social networks, forums, icq etc, that there were ten-twenty girls killed in the town for wearing 'indecent' clothing, and proclamations telling all 'infidels' to get out because all-out jihad will start in twenty days, and so on. thankfully, none of this proved to be true, or we all would be knee-deep in army and on martial law already, but internet population had a collective panic attack.

i... don't really know why i'm writing about it. it looks differently from inside than outside; when i read news in moscow i go insane with worry, when i live them out here i shrug them off, because it's just sort of... happening, and nobody cares, at all. but it looks more and more like it's not the question of 'if' everything will blow up - more of 'when', and 'how fast', and 'how bad'. i guess it would be like in this nightmare i had: one day you go out to movies, and another you go out and get eaten by homicidal fence. i miss the times when this city was safe and green and golden.

in brighter news, i a) got my international passport, finally and b) bought tickets and will be home on 22nd. i feel very, if vaguely, guilty about that, but little brother needs his half-yearly ms checkup, and i need to find new job very quickly, so there's nothing to be done about that. this said, oh god i'm finally going home. i was halfway sure i'm stuck in this damn neverending summer forever, groundhog day-style, but i'm not, not, not. tickets and trains, here i go.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 20:29:15 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, signsonaves! ♥

if i could write, i'd write you an epic story of pirate guitar poets, but since i fail on this account, have some you-know-who:

August — asters,
August — stars,
August — bunches
Of grapes and ashberry
Rusty — August!

Like a child, August
You play with your apple
Good-natured and full of weight.
Like with hand, with your imperial
Name you do caress the heart:
August! — Heart!
Month of late kisses,
Of late roses and late lightning!
Of the rain beneath the stars
August! — Month
Of the rain beneath the stars!

random pretties

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 18:58:37 GMT

- orisinal always has the prettiest timewasters: i killed half of the day with them, and should share it with you as well. roses in the sky for summer, rabbit with the bells for winter. games are simple and pretty, but melodies for them are the best.

- found working albion download today! i'm so in love with this game; not only because it's good - though it is, it's pretty and long and playable even thirteen years later. but me and nikita played it after it came out, and we played it for years, literally: our english was still in 'what is your name' phase, and solving plot mysteries that needed talking to people and collecting stories and following directions was somehow tricky. we got stuck on the first island for a - real-time - year because we couldn't find the plot-relevant cave; we took the male alien character for female one (though i still maintain that our variant was better); we took a deaf and mute character for ghost for some reason, and when he fell in love with out alien lady mage we were really surprised. but anyway; we spent so much time there, together and separately, that i sort of remember albion as a real place where we went for adventures, not a game. here we were in summer, here we were in winter, here we went when this splean's album came out. alien crickets chirping on first island, dawn falling on jirinaar and lanterns starting to shine, terror lurking in dungeons, books of poetry, music, music. here i go again.

- ambientlight, this is for you ♥

anemone by ~shirou-kamui on deviant art

just so you know

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 08:38:47 GMT

i would read all stories wherein amanda fucking palmer ruled the world.

family stories

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 20:45:17 GMT

when cousin nikita was five years old, he came to his parents and said: mom, dad, i know everything. you're not my real parents, you're beijing spies! and i'm a DUCKLING.

(i have about eight millions of stories about nikita, all bizarre. that's why he's my most favorite cousin ever)

now, nikita grew up into a really, really tall wannabe rockstar instead of a duck, nikita's parents didn't return to beijing to give their presumable reports, but i'm still fighting the urge to say AND I'M A DUCKLING, SO THERE at universe at large at least two times a week. i don't know why, but it's somehow very satisfying.

meanwhile, a meme that everybody's doing!

ask me my top five [whatevers, fannish or otherwise]. any top fives. doesn't matter what, really! i will answer them all in a new post.

did they have fun behind the sea

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 19:33:58 GMT

went to the sea today! wind, so much sand in the water it's almost yellow, but sea, oh, sea, all clean and washed out and absolved and salty and tingly and happy, even hours afterwards, and in the end - full moon above water, full moon in the window of the car. if we're lucky, we'll catch the morning sea too, tomorrow or after. if i could chose i'd always live right near the sea, so i could hear the waves always, leave the water never.

fannishly: oh doctor, doctor, new softlyforgotten's fic, full of pining and angst and sweetness and all other lovely things, and this doesn't look this much different from home by takkatakkatakka, quiet and bittersweet and hopeful post-split fic that made me very, very happy tonight for some reason.

song eating my brain lately: teeth in the grass by iron & wine.

how was your day?

randomly and needlessly

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:05:14 GMT

- spencer smith: the undisputable king of talking to press. ♥

- i've contracted a severe case of clumsy: i swear there's no doorknob, doorjamb, chair or table in the house that i didn't bump into at least twice. i think my body hates me.

- really really really pretty userpics.

- thoroughly earwormed by 'change'. forget superstitions by wearing it backwards / lives under ladders and sleeps with black cats in my head over and over and over again. and also reluctantly amused by ryan ross being, well, ryan ross, and also low n. lee.

- harlequin_bands are starting another round! between this and bandom_hc i'm going to be happiest fic reader ever.

- amandapalmer: in russia, have st petersburg flat w/ very out of tune piano w jason. eating salmon blini, drinking beer and letting the jetlag overtake me ;_____;

- miss several people terribly, especially you, dearest mine, miss my flat, miss my bed, miss martha the cat, miss thousands of things, and moscow in summer in general. such a strange parallel world.